September 16, 2009

A journal is a hard thing to start because, really, where do you begin? Especially when there is so much to say... So much to summarize... So much more to the "story".

I can't possibly summarize all that has happened--all that has transpired--all that has brought us to now. I can say that it has been one long, bumpy, sometimes very hard road. I can also say that I am so much better for it. My marriage is so much stronger because of it. My friendships are so much deeper thanks to it. My appreciation for my beautiful, just turned three year old daughter is so much greater because of it.

That being said, I would be lying if I told you that there were never times I thought I was going to crumble, times that I felt broken, times that I felt defeated-angry and jealous. That is all part of this road too. Infertility is a journey unto itself. Mostly this is because we learn at a young age that if we try hard enough, we can accomplish our goals. If we work hard, if we want it badly enough--well, anything is possible. That is absolutely not the case when it comes to an infertile couple's desire to have a baby...

Our struggle began when we tried for over two years prior to finally conceiving our 3 year old, Grace, on Halloween of 2005 via many injectables and IUI (intrauterine insemination). We were lucky enough to have this work on our second try, however I took Clomid for 6 months prior, did IUI without all of the shots, and tried to conceive prior to that for 1 long year while charting my temperature daily. Actually, the truth be told, my very loving husband charted my temps every morning for one full year while I rested in bed. Bless his heart. Needless to say, it was a long two years!

My pregnancy itself could be a novel, as could my delivery--so we won't go there now. Let's just say that nothing went "right" (or even close to right).

Our daughter, on the other hand, well--she's perfect! She was also absolutely worth every single second of it. I remind myself of that now, especially during the hard times. Baby #2 is out there and I know that when we meet him or her, we will know why we went through all of this. Everything will have been worth it and it will all finally make sense.

Despite almost dying during/as a result of my delivery, we decided to "try" again when Grace turned one. I was terrified of pregnancy and far more scared of delivery. Yet, I always knew I wanted a large family and we really wanted Grace to have a biological sibling.

After one full year of trying, we sought out the help of an infertility doctor again. I sometime wonder why we waited so long, given our history. Then I remember how nervous I was to "play God" and "force" pregnancy upon myself again. I only say that because I sometimes thought that I almost died because I wasn't supposed to get pregnant. That must have been why I never conceived naturally, despite every single test confirming that my husband and I are "perfect" (unexplained infertility). Anyway, I was scared to tempt fate again.

In August of 2008 we began seeing our infertility doctor. We soon learned that I was down to only one fallopian tube thanks to my daughter’s botched delivery. One of my tubes was fluid filled and it was removed in early October of '08.

Besides being scared to death of abdominal surgery again due to my horrible post-traumatic stress from Grace's delivery, everything went perfect with that surgery. The bad tube was removed and I was given photos of my otherwise "perfect" uterus. I was told that we would certainly conceive naturally now.

November, December, and January came and went and still no pregnancy... IUI made little sense to us now because with only one tube, we would now only access half of my eggs. (I was also on Clomid during this time from Oct-Jan to encourage additional egg growth because I only had one tube.)

All that being said, we decided to take what we thought was the ultimate risk/ultimate step and scheduled in-vitro for April. We tried to conceive on our own that February and March as well with no success, so the shots began.

I took more shots than I care to remember and I grew 13 eggs that month. The eggs were all harvested and we ended up with 8 embryos. Two of our grade A (perfect) fresh embryos were transferred and we were told by the doctor to prepare for twins. After all we were "perfect" (being undiagnosed), we were young (31) and the embryos were grade A--the best they could be.

I took my bed rest very seriously and never missed a shot. We waited... Two weeks later I received the devastating news that we were not pregnant. It's funny, we were nervous about how we would care for twins, knowing all that a newborn entails. That is where our thoughts went. Never in a million years did we think this absolute BEST "cure" would fail us. We were shocked.

I felt like the wind had physically been knocked out of me. I've never cried so hard, well other than the day my Father passed away. At my low I really didn't know how I would ever get back up. There were times when I felt I couldn't go on. The pain was just too much to bear... These embryos were my babies and I felt like my body failed them. My hormones were now crashing. No one seemed to get the pain I was going through. After all, they had never been there. Lucky for them.

I wanted so badly to be ok with having only one child. After all, plenty of people do. We have one child more than many and we should be nothing but grateful. I get that. The thing is--there is a child missing from our family. It is not complete. I know this. Once you know something, I mean once you really know something in your heart, as much as you want to modify it or alter it--you can't. I would forever feel as though our dinner table was one person short.

Believe me, if I could make myself "get over it", I would. It is not fun always feeling like you are missing a piece, always looking at others babies grow up and wishing you had a baby of your own.

I absolutely recognize that someone reading this might think, "But you do have a baby of your own and she is growing up--enjoy her!" To that, I would say "I do!". She is the VERY best thing that ever happened to me, to us. She has brought me more joy than I ever knew possible. You see, that is a huge part of it. I know, first hand, what I would be missing. What we would be missing as a family if we threw in the towel. What if we had "quit" prior to having her. After all, it got hard--very hard. I can't imagine...

So, it is not that I am not more grateful than words can express for her. And it is not that I am greedy. It is just that I feel as though our family is not complete. Grace is missing her sibling. Fred and I are missing our other child.

That brings us to now, September 16^th, 2009. We have 6 frozen embryos left and we want more than anything for one of them to become our baby.

We want the best possible odds. We also want the least possible risk for my health, given my health history. After months and months of discussion, prayer, analysis, and many nights of "sleeping on it", we have decided to accept the amazing offer that was given to us five yeas ago and offered pretty much daily since by a dear friend--the gift of her womb.