September 25, 2009

September 25, 2009

The embryo transfer is scheduled for 3 weeks from yesterday. Each day it gets closer I feel myself getting more and more anxious. I try not to think about it, realizing that the outcome will be the same either way. Easier said than done…

I’ve really been wondering more and more about how we got here. I mean, I know what steps brought us here but we are so far from where I ever thought we would be. I am about to entrust another woman with our embryos and all I can do is hope and pray that she is in an ok position to give them the care that they will need to make it, while also taking good care of herself and her own family. Talk about a lack of control.

No one ever asks how I’m feeling about all of this infertility stuff anymore—maybe they don’t know if they should bring it up? I don’t know… Basically, I feel like I’m climbing to the top of a huge roller coaster and as we are getting to its peak, I’m wondering if I should have gotten onto this ride or if maybe it is just too big and too scary for me to handle. I’m wondering if my cart will fall off of its tracks again and, if so, how I will find the strength to get back up again. The feelings are all so raw again now. I find myself getting angry, frustrated, sad—so sad. I’m pleading with God, I’m jealous of all of the people I know that conceive the first night that they “try”. I then feel so guilty for feeling jealous—then I’m mad again. I finally resign to “This is my life…these are the cards we were dealt.” Then I’m begging God again for just one more child to care for. This “cycle” continues like a loop over and over again.

If I allow myself to consider that this might work then many other emotions come to the surface. How will I handle it being so “out of the loop”? How will it be to feel my baby’s kicks from outside of Jamie’s belly? How will we tell everyone about this? What will they think? How painful will some of their comments be? I know people will say things like how awesome it is that I can drink coffee or alcohol and not worry about the “baby weight” of pregnancy. Will they get that I wish more than anything I could feel my own baby kick and grow? Don’t they know that no drink or pound is worth that loss? These are just some of the things I think about these days…

Then there is the guilt—the guilt that I feel all of the time because of all that Jamie is going through and will go through for us. I wonder constantly if it was a gift that was really ok to accept. She constantly begs me to not feel guilty and she says she feels so grateful for this opportunity to help us. I guess that explains the kind of friend she is… Do I deserve her? Do I deserve this gift? These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Then I go back to pleading with God—begging him for this to work so that this part of our very long journey may come to an end with an outcome we all so very much deserve.