Jamie is entering week 10 tomorrow… 9 weeks behind her, 9 weeks behind us. You are growing bigger and stronger every day my dear. We love you so much already.
We told the rest of our immediate family about you on Thanksgiving, and they were all so excited and supportive. Of course there were questions and we were 100% open and honest while providing answers. Your conception, honey, is not “typical.” You will grow up knowing that while I am 100% your mommy, I did not—could not—grow you in my own belly. In the end, having your life, your healthy life, is all that matters. Which “oven” you grew in won’t change who you become or how much of a mom I am to you. You are and you will always be MY baby and I am already counting down the days until you are in my loving arms. Until then, my love—please continue to grow big and strong for me, ok? I already love you more than you will ever know.
Jamie has chosen to keep to herself over the past month. I’m not exactly sure why, but I’m trying to give her the space that she needs. She has had her sister, brother in law and their three kids living with her for almost 2 months, and I am sure that as much as she loves them, it has taken its toll. After all, she has 5 “extra” people in her home and someone else’s growing baby in her womb. It would only make sense that she needs some space. Really, who wouldn’t?
When we do talk everything goes really well. She just doesn’t ever call me. I am always the one calling her. That part does get hard, since we had always maintained such a reciprocal relationship. It doesn’t feel that way lately. I know she loves me/us and she is giving us the absolute greatest gift anyone could EVER give, so it is—of course—all ok. They are just hurt feelings on my end because I care so much for her and she doesn’t want to “let me in.” Knowing her, she is probably looking out for me somehow. That is Jamie. I just hope and pray that she does not regret her decision to do this. After all, this is new to all of us and there is no guide to carrying one of your best friend’s baby. Unfortunately, there is also no guide for me on how to help her if she is in a bad place since she doesn’t want to let me in. Hopefully one day I will know that she is glad she did this. Right now I think she is just taxed and she desperately needs some time to regroup and to take care of herself and her own family. Makes perfect sense to me.
I’ve told her time and time again that we want to help with anything and everything that we are able. She really doesn’t seem to want us to help with anything though. In fact, she has asked that we refrain from doing things for them. I’ve wanted to bring meals, help with laundry, etc., and she has repeatedly said no. Luckily, she has agreed to let us get her house cleaned every once in a while. I’m really glad that we will at least be able to do that for them. It is the very least we can do. I think that may be the hardest part, never feeling like we will ever be able to repay them. I’m working daily on accepting that. Gratitude over guilt, gratitude over guilt—that seems to be my daily mantra.
I sure hope and pray that Jamie lets me back “in” as time goes on. We have always been so close and I miss feeling like she wants to hear from me. Until then, I will love her from afar and I will try to help in every way that I am able and that she will allow.
I adore her and her whole family and I want more than anything to help them in any way that we can. It is so hard to want to help someone desperately and to not have the help accepted. This may just be how Jamie felt a year ago when I chose to have surgery on my uterus rather than let her carry our baby for us at that time. I will never forget how hard she cried when I told her my surgery went well and that we would give my uterus another shot. It didn’t make as much sense to me then as it does now. She just wanted me to let her help, and I wasn’t ready yet. Now the role is reversed. When she is ready to let me in again, I’ll be here waiting with open arms. Love you, Jamie, SO very much! I appreciate you so much more than you will ever know.
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