November 30, 2009

Another holiday has come and gone and we are more grateful than ever this year. I am still in shock and awe that our dreams are finally coming true. We WILL be a complete family of four. AMAZING!

Jamie is entering week 10 tomorrow… 9 weeks behind her, 9 weeks behind us. You are growing bigger and stronger every day my dear. We love you so much already.

We told the rest of our immediate family about you on Thanksgiving, and they were all so excited and supportive. Of course there were questions and we were 100% open and honest while providing answers. Your conception, honey, is not “typical.” You will grow up knowing that while I am 100% your mommy, I did not—could not—grow you in my own belly. In the end, having your life, your healthy life, is all that matters. Which “oven” you grew in won’t change who you become or how much of a mom I am to you. You are and you will always be MY baby and I am already counting down the days until you are in my loving arms. Until then, my love—please continue to grow big and strong for me, ok? I already love you more than you will ever know.

Jamie has chosen to keep to herself over the past month. I’m not exactly sure why, but I’m trying to give her the space that she needs. She has had her sister, brother in law and their three kids living with her for almost 2 months, and I am sure that as much as she loves them, it has taken its toll. After all, she has 5 “extra” people in her home and someone else’s growing baby in her womb. It would only make sense that she needs some space. Really, who wouldn’t?

When we do talk everything goes really well. She just doesn’t ever call me. I am always the one calling her. That part does get hard, since we had always maintained such a reciprocal relationship. It doesn’t feel that way lately. I know she loves me/us and she is giving us the absolute greatest gift anyone could EVER give, so it is—of course—all ok. They are just hurt feelings on my end because I care so much for her and she doesn’t want to “let me in.” Knowing her, she is probably looking out for me somehow. That is Jamie. I just hope and pray that she does not regret her decision to do this. After all, this is new to all of us and there is no guide to carrying one of your best friend’s baby. Unfortunately, there is also no guide for me on how to help her if she is in a bad place since she doesn’t want to let me in. Hopefully one day I will know that she is glad she did this. Right now I think she is just taxed and she desperately needs some time to regroup and to take care of herself and her own family. Makes perfect sense to me.

I’ve told her time and time again that we want to help with anything and everything that we are able. She really doesn’t seem to want us to help with anything though. In fact, she has asked that we refrain from doing things for them. I’ve wanted to bring meals, help with laundry, etc., and she has repeatedly said no. Luckily, she has agreed to let us get her house cleaned every once in a while. I’m really glad that we will at least be able to do that for them. It is the very least we can do. I think that may be the hardest part, never feeling like we will ever be able to repay them. I’m working daily on accepting that. Gratitude over guilt, gratitude over guilt—that seems to be my daily mantra.

I sure hope and pray that Jamie lets me back “in” as time goes on. We have always been so close and I miss feeling like she wants to hear from me. Until then, I will love her from afar and I will try to help in every way that I am able and that she will allow.

I adore her and her whole family and I want more than anything to help them in any way that we can. It is so hard to want to help someone desperately and to not have the help accepted. This may just be how Jamie felt a year ago when I chose to have surgery on my uterus rather than let her carry our baby for us at that time. I will never forget how hard she cried when I told her my surgery went well and that we would give my uterus another shot. It didn’t make as much sense to me then as it does now. She just wanted me to let her help, and I wasn’t ready yet. Now the role is reversed. When she is ready to let me in again, I’ll be here waiting with open arms. Love you, Jamie, SO very much! I appreciate you so much more than you will ever know.

November 24, 2009

Gosh it has been a long time since I’ve written in here. We had a fun filled, action packed trip to Disney World and then to Siesta Key to visit Andrea, Jay and little Ella. Ella is adorable, and Grace just LOVED being her “big cousin.” A fun time was had by all!

We returned a week ago Sunday (today is Tuesday) to a disaster of a house. Elle, our 11 year old cocker spaniel, emptied her bladder all over our entire house and also pooped in two places. It was a disgusting mess. We had hired the neighbors to care for her, and apparently that just isn’t an option anymore. She had begun to do this just as we were preparing to leave town and now it was obvious that we were beyond the point of no return. Very, very sad. I cleaned all day into the wee hours the day we arrived back home, then again all day Monday, and then Fred had to fly out of town for another business trip for a whole week, leaving me home to unpack, clean, work, and care for Grace. Elle continued to pee on Tuesday (right in front of me), so very, very sadly I had to have her put to sleep on Wednesday. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. She was our very first baby and we adored her.

Anyway, it has been a long and sad couple of weeks, leaving me little time and energy to journal…

I really wanted to say in here today how much I have to be grateful for. Life is just so good again! We have the very best family and friends. We have each other, a wonderfully loving marriage, and Grace. We have our health and our home. Praise God. What makes life complete finally though on this Thanksgiving is you, our angel—our precious blessing. You complete us and we can’t tell you how blessed that makes us feel.

We had our 8 week ultrasound on Monday and it couldn’t have felt better to see you and to hear your little hear beating. 167 beats per minute—very strong. Everything looked absolutely perfect! The doctor said that because you are so healthy and your heartbeat is so strong there is now only a 3-5% chance of miscarriage. Praise be the Lord! He told us that medically speaking it is ok to tell our family about you.

Grandma Nagel came over tonight unannounced to show us her new car. We asked her to join us for dinner, and I’m so thrilled that she decided to. After dinner we set Grace up with a movie in our room, and I asked Grandma if it would be ok if we told her tonight what we are so thankful for this year, as we head into Thanksgiving. I told her that we are especially thankful for the love and support of our friends and family this past year. I then said that we are particularly grateful for some special friends. I said that we are so grateful to them and for them because they are giving us the greatest gift of all—the gift of life. Yes, I told her, they are 8 weeks pregnant with her biological grandbaby. We told her that she was going to be a grandma again.

She was crying so hard—so absolutely excited. Fred was crying too. This was very special to me because I don’t think Fred has been able to really let his wall down up until now. I know mine chips away a little each day. We just need to pinch ourselves because you are such a dream come true. Grandma said that you are the answer to her dreams and prayers as well.

When Carol Ann left, Fred asked me to please pick out the paint so that he could get working on Grace’s big girl room—getting the nursery ready for you. His wall is on its way down! You are a reality, and you will be joining our family this summer. We cannot wait!!!

Grace has asked for years for a brother or a sister. Last week she said, “Mom, I don’t think God will give me a brother or a sister.” I said “I think he will, honey.” The look on her face was absolutely priceless. Her eyes lit up and she smiled from ear to ear. Her wall is coming down too. I haven’t told her about you, and we won’t for some time. When we do, though, she will be on Cloud 9. She will seriously be the best big sister ever!!!

Love you my little 8 week old peanut! Grow, grow, grow!!!

November 9, 2009

Hurray—We ARE having A baby!!! Jamie is 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant with our little baby and our baby’s heart is beating. He or she is due July 7th.

We are beyond thrilled and can’t wait to take great care of this little love while also taking great care of Grace. We got the call at 4:40 from Dr. Dodd's office with the big news. We spent from 9-4 at Disney World and had an absolutely PERFECT and amazing day! I’ll write more later about our trip because Grace and I are TIRED. Off to sleep well again!

Thank you, God, and thank you, Jamie and Jamie!!!

You are SO, SO, SO, SO, SO GOOD!!!!!

November 7, 2009

We leave for Disney World tomorrow and we are getting very excited. I showed Grace photos on the Internet of Disney today, and she can hardly wait! We have not taken her on a plane in a year and 5 months so she is equally as excited about that. If all of this isn’t enough, we get to stay with my sister and her 6 –week-old Ella. This will be the first time I am meeting my niece and Grace’s first cousin. I am beyond excited to see my sister as a mom and my baby as a “big cousin.” Grace can’t wait to teach little Ella all of her baby sign language, to hold her on the couch and to try to make her laugh (that may be a hard one right now!).

My anxiety is really growing regarding Jamie and the baby. Jamie still has no symptoms at all, so I hope and pray she is still pregnant. The hard part is that if I were the pregnant one and if I were anxious about still being pregnant, I could take as many pregnancy tests as needed to confirm that the line is getting darker. I don’t feel right asking this of Jamie though. I want her to try to go about her life as normally as possible. So…I wait for what seems like an eternity to make sure all is well.

In just two days, though, we will know if everything is ok, and we will also know if we are having one or more babies. I will be thrilled with either outcome and cannot wait for the good news so that all of this anxiety will go away. Then, it will be onto planning what to tell to whom and when…

I guess this is it for now. The next time I write in here I will have some important news to share—hopefully wonderful, exciting news! I’ll also be writing from Disney Resort. That in itself is exciting!!!

November 6, 2009

The anxiety is back. Jamie has had no symptoms for a full week now. Not a single one. In the beginning she was tired, weepy, her face was breaking out and her gums were bleeding. Now she is symptom free. I hope and pray that just means she is going to have a healthy, symptom-free pregnancy. God please allow her to have a healthy pregnancy and please allow us to care for your healthy baby.

The last couple of days have shown us how hard some of this pregnancy will be. Of course, I don’t mean to complain, and we would go through all of this again in a heartbeat if it meant a healthy baby in the end. This is just such uncharted territory for all of us, and so we are all now realizing that some things will come up that we have not considered, and we will need to work through them.

I was talking to Jamie yesterday, and she said that Jamie crawled into bed next to her and rubbed her belly. She said that their most intimate memories are of exactly that, him rubbing her pregnant belly. She told me that she wondered if it would be the same this pregnancy. She wondered if he would rub her belly; pride himself in waking the baby, even if it wasn’t his own. I can completely understand her curiosity—it makes absolute sense. It was really hard to hear though, because these are the moments that Fred, our baby and I won’t have. I want to be rubbing my belly, loving our baby. I want to have Fred rubbing my belly, loving our baby. God, I want that. The thing is, I also really want this baby—our baby. We’ve dreamed of this baby. I’ll endure 9 months of unlimited emotional anguish (and then some) for this baby. If these moments are some of the dreamed of moments that we need to let go of to help this little embryo have a  fighting chance in a womb that will do its job to nourish it, then it is a small price to pay.

All this being said, it would be a lie if I said that it isn’t sometimes hard. It would be a lie if I said that it won’t sometimes be very hard. This will be an emotional challenge but, in the end, I know that we will look into our baby’s eyes and it will all be SO worth it. And, little one, if you read this someday—please know how very loved you were from conception. Please know that I send you hugs and kisses every single day, if only in my thoughts and dreams. You have ALWAYS been loved by us totally and completely and you always will be.

Monday can’t come soon enough. Please Lord, let there be one or two little hearts beating away. This journal has 8 more months of chapters waiting to be written. Please God let it have a happy ending. One for our baby to read years and years from now…

November 4, 2009

Today is Wednesday. It is just after 6pm. Fred is watching Grace splash in the tub while I relax right next door in our master bedroom and take a minute to catch up here.
I can say that I am finally relaxing—my anxiety is all gone. I’m really enjoying the peace I feel knowing that our family is on its way to completion. We found out the day before yesterday that my college roommate that did IVF just before us saw two little heartbeats on her ultrasound. Her numbers went up by 120% over 48 hours, Jamie’s went up by over 240% over the same period of time. That being said, I would be shocked if we are not having more than one baby. We will know for sure on Monday—5 more days. What amazing news that would be!
I talked to Jamie right after I got Marisa’s news about the twins, and she was shocked. She is a little apprehensive about carrying more than one baby—for good reason. She has 4 kids to care for and she is used to going full speed. I told her that I would pick up right where she left off just as soon as I’m needed. Still though, this is a HUGE, ridiculously huge gift and there is no way we will ever be able to thank them enough. We will spend the rest of our lives thanking them for the gift of our family!
I haven’t called Jamie since Monday (2 days) because I want to give her some space. I don’t want her to think that she has to talk to me every single day for the next 9 months. I do love her, though, and I adore talking to her about everything. I feel awful not talking to her and thanking her daily, but I think this is best… It's a hard call! One of many I will face over the next 9 months, I’m sure. Still no complaints though. This is the VERY best decision we ever made!!!