October 30, 2009 (Friday)

If I were a betting woman, I would bet that we are having TWO babies this summer! Jamie’s numbers were supposed to go up by around 80% between her Tuesday and Thursday test and they went up by 260%—more than double, heck almost triple!!! They went from 128 to 345 in just 48 hours. Dr. Dodds called me this afternoon to congratulate us. When I told him that I guessed it was twins based on the #’s he said that he thought I was a smart lady and that he guessed I was right. We will know for sure a week from Monday. Jamie will have the ultrasound without us, and we will get a call from the doctor right away—we will get the call at “the happiest place on Earth,” Yes, we are off to Disney World! It should be a wonderful day!!!

Yesterday was an amazing day. It began with Grace’s very adorable Halloween barn party at her farm pre-school. Then she went home for the afternoon and night with Grandma. Fred was supposed to be out of town until tonight, but his negotiation ended on Wednesday and he took yesterday and today off. We went to brunch together (just he and I) following Grace’s party, and that is when Jamie called with her incredible numbers. We were all shocked to say the least! Then Fred and I went on a clothes shopping spree together at the mall for our fall wardrobes. It was sooo nice! We relaxed that afternoon and I went out with my girlfriends last night. Really—it was the perfect day!

Today Grace and I went to the trick or treat party at my work. She was a “Circle Dancer,” a.k.a. an Irish Dancer. Really adorable! She had the long spiral wig and all. Too darn cute! Yesterday, she was a very cute clown. Tomorrow we are hosting a party for our neighborhood friends. It should be a riot! I made an E'claire cake this afternoon, and we will have a nice chili dinner before trick or treating together. We got a piñata for the kids, pin the tail on the cat, and some really cute decorations and crafts. We are really looking forward to it!

I am showing a house on Sunday and probably writing an offer. Then I'll be preparing for our big trip next week. We will stay at Disney for half of the trip and then with Andrea, Jay, their 5 week old, Ella, for the other half (assuming none of us get H1N1 on the way down!). The “swine flu” is an epidemic right now and so many people are sick. Most schools have been cancelled due to over 30% of the student population being ill. So far so good here though! I am feeling so blessed lately and I am sure we will go and have a wonderful time. We will arrive on Sunday and go to the Magical Kingdom on Monday. We will probably get our great baby news just after a fun day of rides and just before our celebratory dinner. Man, life is so good. I just need to pinch myself!!!

I have been waking up over two hours earlier than usual each morning since getting our good news due to my excitement about everything. I have lost 4-5 pounds, too. I’m sure I have my nerves to thank! Anyway, I am so glad I have been journaling all of this. There will never be another time in my life like this, that is for sure! I am still on pins and needles but am feeling better and more excited by the day. We will be so relieved to hear that all is well after the first ultrasound. Then, if we find out that there are two (or more) of you in there, we will next need to get our mind around that! We will certainly be blessed beyond belief, and we will have our work cut out for us, that is for sure!

We are pretty bummed that we won’t be there in person for the ultrasound to get that first glimpse of our baby(ies) but, again, we are just so glad that there is/are something very special growing in Jamie’s belly. We booked this trip to meet my first niece well before any of this, and the doctors are not willing to wait a week for us to do the ultrasound. They also can’t bump it up by just two days so we can be there. Bummer. SO, hence the news from afar… I’m sure it is all playing out just exactly as it is supposed to though and there is a reason that we are meant to be celebrating at “the happiest place on earth.” At least our minds will be preoccupied that big day! 

That is it for now…Thanks again, God!!!

October 27, 2009

Well, it is official… We ARE PREGNANT!!! Jamie’s numbers came in at 128. We were told that it is a very strong number for day 12 post transfer with 3-day-old embryos. Her next test is on Thursday. They would like to see her numbers go up by 80% between now and then (48 hours).

We are all thrilled...it feels so great to finally have good news. It was wonderful to share our news with those few that have known about this journey. Of course, I would LOVE to shout it from the rooftop right about now but we are waiting. Our plan was always to wait until about 6 months to tell everyone outside of our immediate family and close friends. We can do that, given the circumstances.

When asked why we would wait so long my answer is first because we can and second because this is such a unique and misunderstood topic that we want to be sure that everything is absolutely ok with the baby before telling the world. I am sure that there will be a million questions. I want to be prepared for them emotionally, and not be stuck in “questionland” forever.

The plan is to tell our immediate family at Christmas, which will be in 12 weeks. Then, I’d like to have a large dessert party with everyone else in the spring. I will personally call each friend to tell them that we have very important news that we would like to share. Hopefully they will all come. Then, Jamie could be our “guest of honor” sharing her beautiful belly with everyone after our announcement. She would be so far along, making it that much more exciting. It would be wonderful to be able to have everyone meet Jamie and Jamie at that time so that we could together answer all of our friend’s questions. Word might get out somehow before then though, or we might decide we just can’t wait this long. Time, again, will tell. This is all of the stuff that we now get to think about. Fun stuff!

As for how I am feeling… Totally strange, if I’m to be completely honest. I can’t even put my finger on all of the feelings because they are all so mixed up and new. I can say that this experience is entirely different then with Grace (obviously!). First off, I was naïve then. It was pure joy and excitement upon discovering I was pregnant. I had no idea at that point what would be in store. Secondly, though, when I looked in the mirror upon learning I was pregnant, I put my hands on my cheeks while crying and said to myself “I’m pregnant, I’m actually finally pregnant!!!” Now, I look in the mirror at myself and, well, it’s still just me looking back. I’m ridiculously excited and WAY less nervous then I would be if it were my body, so it is still all very good. It is just different. After all, someone else is growing our baby.

Fred’s emotions are also all over the board and he too can’t put his finger on them. The best way he can explain it is that he feels like he has officially placed an order for a baby with Jamie and he has just learned that our baby has hit the production line. Maybe it is just awful to admit that it kind of feels this way—but it does. After all, we are waiting for someone else to literally grow our baby, and she doesn’t need our physical help to do it.

There is so much more to think about and so much more to write about, but this is it for now because I am tired… It has been one long but VERY good day!

PS. I have had the flu today so I have yet to hug Jamie now that we know she is carrying our baby. I sure hope that can happen SOON!!!

October 26, 2009 (Monday)

Jamie texted me yesterday to tell me that she is breaking out like crazy—even on her cheeks. She said that it is horrible for her but a GREAT sign! She came over today and, sure enough, her face was not as clear as usual. I said “OK, I’ve had enough, let’s take this test!” I opened up the cupboard to get one out of my stash. I should own stock in the company at this point. To our dismay, I was finally out. We determined that we were in our final stretch and decided to wait until tomorrow for our big news.

I laughed and told her that one of my clients called to tell me that when she has a pregnancy vision for someone she is always right. She then told me that Jamie IS pregnant. I thanked her but told her I would wait until tomorrow to get excited. Then I laughed and asked her how many Jamie would have and what the sex would be. She said she didn’t know the sex yet but that we would have one baby.

It’s funny because she is one of the only people that knows about this. The reason she knows is because she told me I had a thyroid tumor and begged me to get an ultrasound done of my thyroid 6 months ago and she was right. She then asked me if we had considered Jamie’s offer anymore the week that we decided to for sure go for it. (I had only briefly mentioned Jamie to her 6+ months earlier…) Due to the incredible timing I decided to tell her. The point is, she is GOOD. However, I wasn’t going to read too much into it. Key word here, if you caught it, is “WASN’T.”

Jamie left my house and went to her friend Lindy’s house for dinner. She told Lindy about my house and Lindy said “I have a test.” Hers was old, from the dollar store and somewhere in the basement…Apparently she never used it, Jamie did.

Jamie called me and said “What are you doing right now?” I knew something was up because I had just seen her and she said we would talk tomorrow. I said “Just making dinner for Grace and I.” (Fred is, of course, out of town all week with work.) Jamie said “Well, I am at my friend Lindy’s house for dinner. I told her about today and, well, she had a test. I’m sitting here in the bathroom and—(The LONGEST few seconds of my life! Seemed like YEARS.)—It’s POSITIVE!!!”

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YES WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We laughed, we cried, I thanked her, I thanked God, I thanked her uterus, I thanked God for her uterus. It was a moment I’m sure neither of us will EVER forget. I had to pinch myself. Could this FINALLY be real?!?! We talked a little more about the test being old, etc. and said that we would still see each other tomorrow.

The plan for tomorrow is for Dr. Dodd’s office to leave a message on Jamie’s phone. Jamie will call me and I’ll leave Grace with a friend and head over to her house to listen to the voice mail for the first time with her. We will still do our plan.

Jamie felt awful that we couldn’t celebrate in person together today. It is OK. We will celebrate tomorrow when we hear the official good news and get the numbers. I’m so glad to be able to get some sleep tonight! I am also thrilled that I will not be on pins and needles all day tomorrow while we wait from the time of Jamie’s blood test at 7am until around 1pm when the nurse should call. God is GOOD! Jamie is GOOD! LIFE IS GOOD!!!

I called Fred and he was just pulling into his hotel. I said “Hi Honey, You are going to be a Father squared.” He said “What?” I said “We are having a baby!!!” He couldn’t believe it. Honestly, I still can’t as I write this before going to bed and it has been a few hours now. He sounded very excited, a little shocked and a lot surprised. All of my feelings too!

Jamie called me back to ask what Fred’s reaction was. I told her the above and asked her what boy Jamie’s reaction was. She said he was very surprised, excited, and supportive and then he said “Well, it looks like you just bought yourself another two months of butt shots!” Her poor butt looks like it has been through war and it is just killing her. It is all bruised and it has huge red bumps all over it. My heart just breaks for her. She is SUCH a trooper though! Man, she amazes me. She plans to ask the nurse, who just happens to also be her neighbor, if she is doing them right. She can switch over to awful suppositories if she needs to so we will see how it goes. Shots and all, she is just thrilled! "Friend" just doesn't do her justice. Man I cherish her!!!

Jamie was very glad to know that I am also thrilled beyond belief and that I have no regrets about it being her body, not mine, carrying our child. I can honestly say that I have NO regrets. I can now rest assured that our baby is in a great home—growing strong. I do not need to worry about my body not offering it all that it needs to grow. I also don’t have to worry about my health during this pregnancy/delivery. I have all the faith in the world that Jamie and the baby will do great. That feels good!

I will rest soundly tonight and I’ll finally be at peace. Finally. I will anxiously (or maybe not so anxiously as the case may be) report Jamie’s hormone numbers tomorrow.

Life is SO GOOD!

Goodnight our sweet little growing angel, goodnight!

October 23, 2009 (Friday)

I’m just checking in to say that I’m feeling pretty bad today, Maybe it is because it is that time of the month and my cramps and hormones are raveging my body. Then again, maybe it is because I am terrified of Tuesday—terrified of the possibility that the most fertile woman I know could not make our embryos grow. I’m hoping and praying so hard for our July baby. I’m fearing and dreading how I’ll handle the news if this HUGE step still didn’t “work”. Mostly today I’m anxious, sad and angry. All symptoms of grief. I think I am already beginning the grieving process because I was SO burnt last time. I was so optimistic, so excited—then I received the news and I crashed and burned. I guess, given my experience, this is to be expected. In some ways Tuesday can’t come soon enough, in others I wish it would never come at all… Again God, I beg you—please let this be our time. We honestly couldn’t be more ready. Please Lord, please bless us with your baby to love.

As for Jamie, she too has no idea if she is pregnant or not. Some moments she thinks she is, others she is not so confident. Her gums have not blead since that day earlier this week. She has no other symptoms. She said she is a little tired, maybe more than usual, but she is not sure. She has no nausea or tender breasts. Time will tell… 4 more nights… I’m scared.

October 20th, 2009

One week from today I will either be going to bed very upset or very happy—time will tell. I’ve been feeling really great thus far. It is MUCH easier this time around as it is not my body. I am not analyzing every detail about myself constantly, trying to figure out if I am pregnant or not. The only information I have is the information Jamie decides to share with me. So far I only have one symptom to go on, Jamie’s gums are bleeding. She swears they only bleed when she is pregnant, so I guess that is a pretty good symptom. Still, I am reluctant to get too excited at this point. Jamie said that she is also very weepy now. It was obvious on Sunday when we were together because even sad commercials made her cry. At first I was feeling cold-hearted because I wasn't weepy like she was, but then she finally called herself out on it. That made me feel so much better! Anyway, she swears she is getting even worse. As I said, only time will tell… Jamie wants to take a test on Friday. Fred would prefer we not. I’m on the fence. I am actually now leaning more towards waiting it out until the blood test. Then it is just one fresh cut if the test comes back negative, and hopefully, somehow, my heart will hurt less that way. It is doubtful that a pregnancy test would even work so soon I think. I know how hard it is to wait when it is your body though, so I get why Jamie wants to take one. It’s funny, I almost feel like I know now what it is like to be the guy!!! It is easier, that is for sure!

I’ve never before mentioned in here that one of my very best friends, a college roommate, did IVF less than two weeks before I/we did. She found out that she is pregnant just two days before Jamie’s embryo transfer. I am SO thrilled that it worked for her!!! I hope and pray that we will be as lucky… It will be crazy if we both end up with twins. Our other roommate also did IVF and ended up with twins. Yes, you read that correctly—actually, 4 out of 5 of my college roommates ended up doing IVF. Weird, huh?!? Even weirder is the fact that all of our biological sisters were able to get pregnant the first month they "tried." I’m thinking something was wrong with the house where we lived! At least we all have each other and we can relate to exactly what the other is going through. OK, not exactly, because each of us have been down different paths, but we all know what it feels like to long for our baby.

That is it for now… Life is still GOOD!

October 18th, 2009

Just checking in to say that Jamie’s bed rest here went great, we had such a nice time! We watched 3 movies, read magazines, but mostly just caught up on life. We talked about the loss of my Dad and Jamie’s life before marriage and kids. We talked about her kids and Grace, our sibling relationships, our closest friends. We talked about how proud we are of ourselves for getting through all of the hoops and making it to this point. We talked about the delivery if she is in fact pregnant since she wants us to be a huge part of delivering our baby. We talked about what Fred and my next steps will be if she isn’t pregnant. (This is still very much undetermined…) We just talked about life.

Jamie is honestly the most genuine, loving, compassionate person I have ever met. She is so calm and so calming. She is so faithful and so appreciative, even as she is looking some other very challenging things of her own straight in the face. She always focuses her energy on all that is good and she really knows how to put things in perspective. I could go on and on about her but, in a nutshell, she is just plain incredible in every sense of the word!

Jamie stayed here Friday and Saturday night and I took her home this morning. I told her that I set up a cleaning crew to deep clean her house tomorrow so that she could try to just continue to take it easy. She was VERY appreciative.

I found myself researching the success stats for IVF and gestational carriers on-line today. NOT a good thing…It’s just not healthy to spend all of my time analyzing and over analyzing everything. In the end, the statistics just don’t matter. This will either have worked or it will not have worked. Taking even one more second out of my day to analyze it won’t change the outcome, but it will negatively affect my day. I pledge not to do this anymore. I am enjoying my week! We will stay busy and have fun and in just over one week we will know where we stand…

October 16th, 2009

Today was a perfect day, absolutely perfect in every single way. I woke up anxious—I thought I was fine but I had a very upset stomach so my body was obviously physically anxious. It was ok though. I talked to one of my best friends, Rachel, and to my sister. I took a long shower, got dressed, made Jamie her favorite summer salsa and then it was 10:30 am and I was at the doctor. Jamie and Jamie were already there, sitting on the couch. They each got up and gave me a huge hug. Then Fred arrived from work (it is a Friday) and all of the hugging began again. We all talked about how we were feeling—excited, in disbelief that this day had FINALLLY come, anxious about how many embryos made it, etc.

Ironically, I had never run into anyone at this office before today, when a girlfriend walked in. Luckily we each already knew one another went there, but since we have not told 99.99% of the people we know about this, our secret had been safe. She promised to keep it to herself and wished us all luck. She seemed very happy for us.

We were all called in at 10:45. We all changed into our hospital garb and just prior to the transfer we had a group photo taken. Then it was time… We entered the room and we were given the photo of our 3 embryos. Yes, all 3 embryos made it through the "defrosting"! We were told that one embryo looked excellent, one was good and one was poor. Dr. Dodds told us we could leave the poor one out or we could put it into Jamie’s womb. We thought we would give each one a fighting chance, so all 3 embryos were put in. We were told that the odds of triplets are one in a thousand and the chance of twins are 10-20%. We saw on the ultrasound exactly where the embryos were placed, and we were provided with that photo too. Jamie’s lining was perfect—11.5. I told Jamie that at this point she had done her job with all of the shots, and the rest was up to the man upstairs.

As soon as we got back into our room, I gave Jamie his card and then gave Jamie her gift. I got her a silver bracelet with a heart pendant that said on one side “Thank You” and on the other side “Our Angel.” I had the bracelet in a silver heart jewelry box and on that was inscribed “Your gift will be remembered always.” Of course, we were all crying when I gave it to her. I opened it, read what each said and put the bracelet on her wrist. I told them each how very much we appreciate them (in much greater detail) and told them that we recognize the HUGE sacrifices that each of them have made to provide us with this gift. We all hugged and cried… Jamie went over and kissed his wife and I told him how very proud we were of him for his love and devotion to her. We told him that we fully recognized how few men would fully support their wives with something like this. I also said how proud he must be of the woman he married, for not only wanting to do this for us but for really doing it—shot after shot, pelvic exam after pelvic exam, blood draw after blood draw, hormonal crying spell after hormonal crying spell, FDA hoop after FDA hoop—She did it. We did it!!!

After the procedure, we were asked to keep Jamie completely still for an hour. The husbands then left, and the nurse and I loaded Jamie into the back seat of my car, and I took her home with me. We have spent all of the day with her on the couch and me on the chair next to her. We have had wonderful conversation, good movies, yummy food and much needed relaxation. As I said, it was a PERFECT day, a day none of us will ever forget! We are blessed, baby or no baby we are blessed. We walked in to the office today as a party of four, the big question now is did we walk out as more?!? Grow little embryos, grow!!!

October 15th, 2009

One more sleep. Yup, tomorrow is the big day. I’m feeling really at peace with everything. I am hopeful that God will listen to my prayers. I’m hopeful that tomorrow will begin the next part of this journey. We are all ready—we will all be there—Jamie, Jamie, Fred and I. Tomorrow WILL be a great day! Our baby will be conceived tomorrow. It is our turn, we are ready. Honey, please grow strong in Jamie’s womb tomorrow. We love you so much and we have all been waiting for you.

Dear God, please let all 3 embryos make it tomorrow safely into Jamie’s womb. Please let at least one of those embryos attach and grow strong. Please let that embryo or those embryos grow for 9 long months and let them develop into our healthy babies. We will be forever grateful for this gift, God. We will cherish this child or these children. We will never, not even for a single second, forget how blessed we are. We are ready, God, for our family to be complete. Please let this be the end of our struggle with infertility. Please let our biggest dream come true now. In your name, God, we pray. Amen.

At 10:30 am tomorrow we will all meet at Dr. Dodd’s office. The transfer will be at 11 am. Jamie and I plan to come back here to our home for her bed rest for the weekend. I have loaded the fridge, gotten her favorite ice cream, rented “chick flicks” and bought all of the good magazines. I am REALLY looking forward to this wonderful time with my dear friend.

October 5th, 2009

Fred got Grace to bed early tonight; this is day 2 of me not putting her down for a nap. My baby girl is growing up. Man she is a GOOD girl. :)

Anyway, Fred and I were talking in peace and quiet this evening. It began with a conversation about Facebook—I told him that if this “worked” I would never want to mention “it” on Facebook. It is far too personal. He then said “Have you thought about what you would want to tell our baby about his or her conception if this works? Have you thought about how we should tell Grace?” I told him I thought we could tell Grace that mommy’s tummy is broken and it can’t grow any more babies in it, so Jamie is growing mommy and daddy’s baby for us in her belly since it works so well. (What a story that will probably make at pre-school circle time! Yikes!!!) Then I told Fred that we could tell the baby something similar as he or she grew up, but that when they were old enough we would give him or her this journal I have been working on. Hopefully this journal will help explain everything. (Fred had no idea I was writing in this journal, so I asked him if he would like me to read it to him. He said yes, and so I did.)

While reading this out loud to him tonight, I cried. I cried hard. It wasn’t until tonight when I was actually opening up by reading my past journal entries to Fred that I realized how much I’ve bottled up all of my emotions. I’m sure it is a defense mechanism. I couldn’t function properly if I allowed myself to think about the gravity of this daily. Life must go on…

I know my emotions scared Fred. He watched me crash and burn last spring when the first IVF didn’t work. I am sure he is terrified of it happening again. Last time I tried to pick myself right up, and I did—for about 2-3 days. Then, as my hormones crashed, so did I. I cried. To be perfectly honest, I cried daily for two months straight. That is a lot for someone who very rarely ever cries. This was one of the very hardest times of my entire life—right there next to losing my father after a sudden fall. Seeing my own dad taken off life support was the only other time I have ever cried like that. Tonight I allowed myself to feel that pain again—that very raw emotion. I again felt like I had a bowling ball caught in my throat. I again felt like I had 10,000 heavy rocks on my chest. I again felt like every ounce of wind was knocked out of me. This is why I try not to think about what we are about to do again. This is why I cannot let myself get excited about the possibility of a different outcome. This is why I am absolutely terrified—scared to death of it not “working” again. I have pulled myself out of that dark hole twice now—when my dad died in 2001, and again last spring when my “babies” didn’t make it. Can I do it again? Please God, please don’t make me go through that again. Please…I’m begging you.

Today is October 5th. Today marks exactly 6 months since our last embryo transfer. Today we were examined from head to toe to make sure that we are healthy enough to go ahead with this. Today marked the last “step” prior to our embryo transfer. Besides getting our blood drawn, finding out our body mass index, weight, blood pressure, etc., we got to answer a million more personal questions. Questions like: Have you gotten a tattoo in the last 6 months? Gotten your ears pierced? A million health questions too—seriously, so many. Then they examined Fred and I to confirm that we do not have any sexually transmitted diseases. There is nothing like being infertile, giving up on your body that has failed you after years of being poked and prodded, and then still being required to have a pelvic exam. Anyway, it is now done.

Prior to writing in this journal tonight, but following my discussion/journal reading with Fred, I took a long bath. I was visited by Fred and he brought to my attention that I woke at 6 am and took a bath and now at 9 pm, I’m taking another. It made me realize how tired I am of all of this—how wound up I am—how much I need a bath these days to just relax and think. During Fred’s visit I told him how much the pelvic exam today bothered me. The irony of it. It is almost like being poked fun of, quite literally… He then told me that if I wrote about it in this journal tonight, he wanted me to add that he too was “examined” and that he had to “cough” while the doctor checked him out. He was “poked fun of” too. He asked that I also add that the doctor made sure to tell him what perfect health he is in. :)

I asked him, more seriously, what he would like me to write in here about how he is really feeling… He said, as his eyes lit up, “Excited.” So, there you have it. Fred is excited and I am scared to death. Prepare for the worst; expect the best. I think that’s how the saying goes. I got my hopes up WAY too high 6 months ago today. Hopefully this time it will be the other way around. I’ve always been a cup half full person that was full of faith and optimism… I sure hope “that” Amy returns soon. I sure do miss her. 11 days until the embryo transfer… 11 days.

"How can we not?"

I have been blessed. I have four beautiful children. I always knew I wanted to have kids but never dreamed that I would have the ability, the capacity to love them as much as I do. I remember asking my mother after our first child William was born how it was possible to love any more children as much as I loved him. My heart overflowed and it seemed inconceivable that I could possibly have any room left to be able to love another child.  But I did, and with each new child that joined our family I loved more, my heart grew and I became humbled that God would entrust these sweet spirits into our care to love, teach and raise in our home.  I realized that being a parent was a gift and that my husband and I have been blessed to be able to become parents four times.  

We didn't plan for Will, but we weren’t not planning either. We knew a baby would happen when it was supposed to. When Will was about a year old we knew we wanted to have another and made the decision to try again. After only two months of trying we were pregnant with Olive. She arrived just about a month before Will turned two. The next few years are a blur. When Olive was three months old we found out that I was pregnant with Nolan. He arrived just two weeks after Olive’s first birthday. And then, when Nolan was just three months old again, we found out we were pregnant with Preston. He arrived just a week after Nolan’s first birthday and about three weeks before Will turned four. I'm tired just thinking about it! Needless to say, we became very busy very quickly! It has been stressful to have four kids so close together. I have often said it would almost have been easier to have just had triplets! So yes, Jamie and I became more careful and knew we wanted to wait to have more children. Jamie is in the "We're done" state of mind, but I'm just not there yet. Either way, we knew we needed a break from having more.  

Now enters Amy.  We have been talking for a long time about her fertility difficulties and myself being blessed with incredible pregnancies had said to her on a few occasions I would carry a baby for her.  I don't think she ever took me very seriously, but I was serious. As difficult as it was having four small children, we knew it was a gift. It was a gift we never knew we wanted. It was easy to. Obviously I got pregnant very easily, and the pregnancies themselves were incredible! I always felt so good, physically and emotionally. I experienced the normal pregnancy things—had aches and pains—but nothing bad enough to ever complain about. I loved it! So I knew it wouldn't be a sacrifice physically for me at all, and the outcome would be worth any type of pregnancy "pain" I would endure. I couldn't help feeling an obligation to do this. Knowing Fred and Amy's great desire to have another child and myself not pregnant not planning to be pregnant and completely capable of being pregnant (and loving being pregnant), it just seemed like a "no brainer." Apparently, however, our husbands have no brains. (I'm soooo kidding!)  But they weren’t as ready to jump as Amy and I were. Amy and I had arrived at the decision in our hearts long ago over many talks about her fears, her desires, her heartaches and longing for another child. The four of us finally decided we needed to have a serious talk about all of this, so we met at their house for dinner one evening. We discussed the fertility issues Fred and Amy have faced from the very beginning, including the difficult conception, miserable and complicated pregnancy and the horrible botched delivery of Grace and then the years of trying to have another baby after Grace was born. It seemed like we four talked for hours, and Amy did try to talk us out of it, even going as far as to show us the needles of the shots I would have to take prior to the embryo transfer. I remember leaving Amy’s house that night, walking out the door and saying to Jamie, "So what do you think?" and him looking at me and simply saying, "How can we not?" And so it was.