October 23, 2009 (Friday)

I’m just checking in to say that I’m feeling pretty bad today, Maybe it is because it is that time of the month and my cramps and hormones are raveging my body. Then again, maybe it is because I am terrified of Tuesday—terrified of the possibility that the most fertile woman I know could not make our embryos grow. I’m hoping and praying so hard for our July baby. I’m fearing and dreading how I’ll handle the news if this HUGE step still didn’t “work”. Mostly today I’m anxious, sad and angry. All symptoms of grief. I think I am already beginning the grieving process because I was SO burnt last time. I was so optimistic, so excited—then I received the news and I crashed and burned. I guess, given my experience, this is to be expected. In some ways Tuesday can’t come soon enough, in others I wish it would never come at all… Again God, I beg you—please let this be our time. We honestly couldn’t be more ready. Please Lord, please bless us with your baby to love.

As for Jamie, she too has no idea if she is pregnant or not. Some moments she thinks she is, others she is not so confident. Her gums have not blead since that day earlier this week. She has no other symptoms. She said she is a little tired, maybe more than usual, but she is not sure. She has no nausea or tender breasts. Time will tell… 4 more nights… I’m scared.